Can you tolerate your most vulnerable experiences?

Yesterday morning I woke up at 6 am to something I’ve been wishing for — a snow day. I love living in North Carolina, but I like winter to feel like winter and my northeastern bones were desperate for some cold weather and a real snow day. So yesterday when I woke up and looked out my window and it wasn’t frost, it wasn’t ice, it was almost 2 whole inches of SNOW, I was so excited.

I grabbed my snow boots and all of my poor neglected winter gear and went outside to happily clear off the cars, something I would normally find so annoying to do (my dad always says, “make sure you clear off your car right away in case you have to go somewhere!”). Then I went for a walk. I was so so happy walking in the snow in the early morning while my neighborhood was still quiet and the sun was still coming up. I walked for almost two hours.

But do you know what happened about 10 minutes into my walk?

I started feeling guilty for being so happy that it was so cold out. Because what about those that don't have winter jackets and nice warm boots? What about the homeless dogs?? They must’ve had a horrible, brutal night surviving this. OMG, Owen must’ve had to survive weather like this when he was alone on the streets and he was probably so sad and scared and cold. I want it to be warm again. I don’t want this snow.

…What just happened? Why did I just take a moment that has brought me so much happiness, and automatically turn it into something so awful?

I would think what the hell is wrong with me, but I know we all do this. I know I do it, I’ve seen my husband do it, I’ve seen it with my friends and family, and even with strangers. It’s something we all do so much, that people have made careers out of researching it. People like Brené Brown, and Gay Hendricks.

Brené Brown would say I just interrupted my own joy because joy is our most vulnerable experience. And when we can’t tolerate this experience, we start dress rehearsing tragedy. She says that dress rehearsing tragedy is when we imagine something bad is going to happen, when in reality, nothing is wrong.

Gay Hendricks refers to this self-sabotage as the upper limit problem. It’s the tendency to limit our own happiness because we don’t think we deserve for things to go well all of the time.

It’s been my experience that it doesn’t have to be big, grand moments of joy for us to knock ourselves back down.

For example, if I ask a client something along the lines of, “how have things been going since we last chatted?”

Sometimes I'll get a response like this, “I didn’t get much done… but I did do this, and this, and this.”

… Sounds like you got a lot done to me?

It kinda sounds like what Brené Brown and Gay Hendricks have been preaching about.

Why is it that we don’t let ourselves celebrate the small wins? Or find joy in the knowing we’ve taken another step forward? Or welcome satisfaction in the fact we’re in the process of bettering ourselves, even if there's not a significant amount of physical evidence yet?

I’ve slowly gotten better at letting myself embrace joy in the big and little moments. When those inevitable negative thoughts eventually creep in, it’s helpful to remind myself that this is me reaching my upper limit, this is me experiencing a vulnerable emotion and my mind is trying to protect me. And that’s all it is. I have the choice to breakthrough this upper limit, or to not. Some days it’s easier than others, but I’m okay with that because it’s progress and I’m getting better at it. If I only let myself experience joy when all is well and perfect in the world, it’ll never come.

Do you feel like you rob yourself of joy sometimes? Do you feel like you plummet yourself back down when you've reached your upper limit for feeling good?

If so, I hope you allow yourself to embrace more joy this week, and to challenge your upper limits. I hope you take the time to celebrate the small wins and acknowledge all that you do — because it’s probably a lot more than what you’re giving yourself credit for.

PS - If you haven't already seen Brené Brown's amazing TED talk, The Power of Vulnerability, it's probably one of my favorites and you should go watch it.

I haven't read Gay Hendricks' book The Big Leap yet, but I've heard it's a really great book. Have you read it?